I have a big problem, My room is always too messy! My Mom will say "Clean your room this weekend!" But, I don't. Then a week later my room isn't clean and my Dad says "Clean your room, it looks like an smelly garbage can!" But I don't clean it! So, now when I feel like cleaning it, that is the only time it's clean. (Your problem doesn't sound like a problem. Rephrase it.)
I have a variety of clothing. So when everything in my closet is on the floor, my parents get furious! When they get mad, I get mad! When that happens, My hole house is like a bunch of monkey's trying to get a banana! Thats when I feel really unhappy! (Lots of imagery but three misspellings, too)
To fix this mess, I will try to make a list called "A New Clean Room". It will say all the things you need to a have a clean room. (This is the place to list what all those things are.) I will try to follow these rules to keep a clean and nice environment for me. (Stay in first person!)
My list will make up of four things. One, I will clean it. Two, I will try not to wear such a variety of clothing. Three, I will get a laundry basket for all my dirty clothes. And four, I will try to be more organized. (Explain how this differs from the first three requirements on the list.)
This solution will make my room squeeky clean. My list will also help me walk through my bedroom... Now, my Mom says "Your room looks as it was clean by a cleaning sevice. Nice Job!" That makes me feel great! (Check the two spelling errors.)
The problem with cleaning my room, is right after I clean it, it is messy. The problem of trying to not wear such a variety of clothing is, that I always like changing into different clothes without even thinking about it. The problem with getting a laundry basket is, my Mom wont let me get one because she says I can walk down the hall to put my laundry away. And, the problem with being more organized is, not everyones always organized. Hopefully, most of the time when I walk in my room I see a spotless, empty floor. (This information belongs in the fourth paragraph to explain your solutions.)
Finish your essay with a good conclusion and make the revisions suggested.
I have made a second essay because I just can't think anything else to write and I want to see is this one is better....this seems like I can think of more things to write
2nd essay: GROSS LUNCH!
Why does everyone eat cold lunch these days? Just think, bouncy hot dogs and pizza that tastes like taco meat. This is Lumen Christi's hot Lunch. It's a big problem, that we have to fix right away. I had several thoughts on how to fix this little pickle. (This is a good beginning to the next paragraph.)
I am a person who takes hot lunch almost everyday, but when I see people across my table not eating anything, I worry. I ask, "Why didn't you eat anything?" Then they say, "Why would I eat chicken tenders that taste like fish sticks and omelets with no cheese?" I soon say, "We should get more decent food, like how we used to have it. You got to pick what you wanted, like warm and grilled cheeseburgers or soft and delicious cookies." (Did you forget to begin a new paragraph each time the speaker changes?)
Lets get that back! I think first, I should ask Mrs. Langhoff if she could change the company they order from. Maybe, I could try to ask teachers and parents to get more sub and pizza days. Or, everyone could all sign a petition saying "CHANGE THE LUNCH!" (What is the topic sentence of this paragraph? It has more than one idea.)
If I got this petition going, I could change the lunch forever. I could want to rush to lunch, only bringing 2 dollars, buying an peanut butter and jelly Uncrustable and a chocolate milk. This could show how many people like hot lunch and how many people don't want our hot lunch now.
This solution will get more money for the school and make kids happy. After all, that is what school is about, besides education. Parents will also be happy because they pay almost the same as they pay now. I think everyone would rather bounce a playground ball, than a hot dog. (Clever!)
Why did Our school change the lunch program? I don't really know. I remember coming in 3rd grade (when they had the old system) and seeing how cool and grown up I felt. I got to make my own decisions on what I wanted to eat. I would think, I only have two dollars and fifty cents, what should I buy? I think we should bring this system back because the new, old, and returning students should all enjoy this system like I did. A least, for that one day. (Which day do you mean?)
Ideas 3 The problem is not clearly stated in the opening paragraph or at the beginning of the conclusion. Organization 4 Your development is good and so is the conclusion, but you still needed to write a sentence that clearly stated the problem. Word Choice 5 Voice 5 Very good! Fluency 4 Conventions 4
Problem-Solution Essay
School Play Test
Essay: Pre-writing
I have a big problem, My room is always too messy! My Mom will say "Clean your room this weekend!" But, I don't. Then a week later my room isn't clean and my Dad says "Clean your room, it looks like an smelly garbage can!" But I don't clean it! So, now when I feel like cleaning it, that is the only time it's clean. (Your problem doesn't sound like a problem. Rephrase it.)
I have a variety of clothing. So when everything in my closet is on the floor, my parents get furious! When they get mad, I get mad! When that happens, My hole house is like a bunch of monkey's trying to get a banana! Thats when I feel really unhappy! (Lots of imagery but three misspellings, too)
To fix this mess, I will try to make a list called "A New Clean Room". It will say all the things you need to a have a clean room. (This is the place to list what all those things are.) I will try to follow these rules to keep a clean and nice environment for me. (Stay in first person!)
My list will make up of four things. One, I will clean it. Two, I will try not to wear such a variety of clothing. Three, I will get a laundry basket for all my dirty clothes. And four, I will try to be more organized. (Explain how this differs from the first three requirements on the list.)
This solution will make my room squeeky clean. My list will also help me walk through my bedroom... Now, my Mom says "Your room looks as it was clean by a cleaning sevice. Nice Job!" That makes me feel great! (Check the two spelling errors.)
The problem with cleaning my room, is right after I clean it, it is messy. The problem of trying to not wear such a variety of clothing is, that I always like changing into different clothes without even thinking about it. The problem with getting a laundry basket is, my Mom wont let me get one because she says I can walk down the hall to put my laundry away. And, the problem with being more organized is, not everyones always organized. Hopefully, most of the time when I walk in my room I see a spotless, empty floor. (This information belongs in the fourth paragraph to explain your solutions.)
Finish your essay with a good conclusion and make the revisions suggested.
I have made a second essay because I just can't think anything else to write and I want to see is this one is better....this seems like I can think of more things to write
2nd essay: GROSS LUNCH!
Why does everyone eat cold lunch these days? Just think, bouncy hot dogs and pizza that tastes like taco meat. This is Lumen Christi's hot Lunch. It's a big problem, that we have to fix right away. I had several thoughts on how to fix this little pickle. (This is a good beginning to the next paragraph.)
I am a person who takes hot lunch almost everyday, but when I see people across my table not eating anything, I worry. I ask, "Why didn't you eat anything?" Then they say, "Why would I eat chicken tenders that taste like fish sticks and omelets with no cheese?" I soon say, "We should get more decent food, like how we used to have it. You got to pick what you wanted, like warm and grilled cheeseburgers or soft and delicious cookies." (Did you forget to begin a new paragraph each time the speaker changes?)
Lets get that back! I think first, I should ask Mrs. Langhoff if she could change the company they order from. Maybe, I could try to ask teachers and parents to get more sub and pizza days. Or, everyone could all sign a petition saying "CHANGE THE LUNCH!" (What is the topic sentence of this paragraph? It has more than one idea.)
If I got this petition going, I could change the lunch forever. I could want to rush to lunch, only bringing 2 dollars, buying an peanut butter and jelly Uncrustable and a chocolate milk. This could show how many people like hot lunch and how many people don't want our hot lunch now.
This solution will get more money for the school and make kids happy. After all, that is what school is about, besides education. Parents will also be happy because they pay almost the same as they pay now. I think everyone would rather bounce a playground ball, than a hot dog. (Clever!)
Why did Our school change the lunch program? I don't really know. I remember coming in 3rd grade (when they had the old system) and seeing how cool and grown up I felt. I got to make my own decisions on what I wanted to eat. I would think, I only have two dollars and fifty cents, what should I buy? I think we should bring this system back because the new, old, and returning students should all enjoy this system like I did. A least, for that one day. (Which day do you mean?)
Ideas 3 The problem is not clearly stated in the opening paragraph or at the beginning of the conclusion.
Organization 4 Your development is good and so is the conclusion, but you still needed to write a sentence that clearly stated the problem.
Word Choice 5
Voice 5 Very good!
Fluency 4
Conventions 4
total points = B